


Hate to love you

by deathboydiangelo



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, chbverse, clarisse is just a gay mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:42:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24867778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathboydiangelo/pseuds/deathboydiangelo
Summary: Clarisse hates Silena Beauregard and Silena hates Clarisse La Rue, everyone knew that, but what no one knew was why. When they were kids they got along, they weren’t best friends but they didn’t hate each other like they did now. Sometime around when they turned 15 it started. At first it was just little snide comments from Clarisse, complaining about how everyone loved Silena and thought she was perfect, then it turned to them having screaming matches over breakfast for no apparent reason. Now, they were 17 and in the meeting for head counselors arguing who got the archery range when that week.
Relationships: Silena Beauregard & Clarisse la Rue, Silena Beauregard/Clarisse La Rue
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	Hate to love you

**Author's Note:**

> tw// internalized homophobia

Clarisse hates Silena Beauregard and Silena hates Clarisse La Rue, everyone knew that, but what no one knew was why. When they were kids they got along, they weren’t best friends but they didn’t hate each other like they did now. Sometime around when they turned 15 it started. At first it was just little snide comments from Clarisse, complaining about how everyone loved Silena and thought she was perfect, then it turned to them having screaming matches over breakfast for no apparent reason. Now, they were 17 and in the meeting for head counselors arguing who got the archery range when that week. 

“Aphrodite cabin had it at noon for the last three weeks, we’re supposed to rotate!” Clarisse practically yelled at Silena across the table. 

“Who cares?” Silena shouted back. “No one else is complaining, it’s easier having a solid schedule anyways.”

Clarisse rolled her eyes in response. “Not like you drama queens need it anyways, you never bother fighting.” She mumbled under her breath.

“What did you say about us?” Silena demanded, crossing her arms. 

“You never fight! Not in any of the wars, or in capture the flag, never!” 

“You really want to go there? Your cabin refused to fight in the battle of Manhattan over a stupid chariot! The world was in danger and all you cared about was your pathetic ego!” 

“Enough!” Chiron finally yelled. Everyone else around the table seemed to be grateful for this. Percy Jackson and Jason Grace had been nervously exchanging glances during the whole argument, Annabeth Chase looked like she was feigning away a headache, and Leo Valdez had been setting his hands on fire and blowing it out like a birthday candle. Worst of all, Will Solace looked as if he was going to burst into tears between all the fighting and the mention of the battle his brother died in, leaving him as the head counselor of cabin 7 at the age of twelve.

Silena looked Will’s way and her face softened. She uncrossed her arms and reached towards him, “I’m sorry Will, I know you hate fighting.” He waved her words away and shook his head. 

“It's fine,” he mumbled.

Silena shot a glare at Clarisse then settled back into her chair, recrossing her arms.

“Aphrodite cabin gets the range at noon as usual, and from now on we’ll have a steady schedule instead of rotating, Silena is right, we could all use a little stability.” Chiron stated. 

“Of course she is,” Clarisse huffed. Chiron sent her a pointed look, warning her not to start again. 

“Whatever,” she said, standing up and leaving the makeshift conference table that was usually used as a ping pong table in the rec room. 

~

“I don’t get why you always start stuff with her.”

Clarisse was sitting on the rocks known as Zeus’ fist in the middle of the woods, where she usually went to be alone. Emphasis on usually because today her best friend, and only friend pretty much, Chris Rodriguez, stood at the base of the rocks. 

Clarisse rolled her eyes in response. “I can’t stand her,” was all she said.

Chris climbed the rocks until he was sitting next to Clarisse. “So I’ve heard,” he said sarcastically. 

“I don’t get why everyone thinks she’s so great,” Clarisse started, “She’s not that special. Yeah, she’s pretty, and her blue eyes are so nice you could get lost in them,” she said half annoyed and half dreamily, “But what's the big deal?”

Chris just laughed at her, which earned him a death glare from Clarisse. “Claire,” he said trying to stifle his laughter, “you’re so gone.” Clarisse shoved him, almost causing him to fall off the rock he was sitting on .

Chris was the only person who knew about Clarisse and her...secret. About two years ago, right around when Silena came out as a lesbian, Clarisse knocked on the Hermes cabin door, crying. Connor Stoll answered the door, took one look at the girl in tears in front of him and called for Chris. 

That day, Clarisse dragged Chris out to the forest where no one could hear them and told him about her feelings for Silena. In between sobs, she made him swear not to tell anyone, then broke down on his shoulder. 

Now, two years later, Clarisse was still very much in the closet with everyone other than Chris, who loved to tease her about how she handled her feelings for the Aphrodite girl. 

“Why don’t you just, I don’t know, tell her?” He asked when the girl didn’t respond to his previous statement.   
Clarisse looked at him as if he had six heads, ten pairs of arms, and four eyes. “Yes, that’s a great idea, why don’t I come out to the entire camp too? Maybe Mr. D wants to know that I’m a freak that likes girls.” 

Chris glared at her for this. “First of all,” he started, “you are not a freak because you like girls, maybe for other reasons but not for that.” That earned him a glare back. “Second,” he continued, “Telling Silena doesn’t mean telling the whole camp. She knows what you’re going through, she would never tell anyone. You don’t even have to tell her about your feelings for her, you can just tell her that you’re gay. As much as I love you and want to help you, I know she’d be a much better person to talk to about this. I have no idea what you’re going through, and I never will, so I really can’t help much.” He looked truly sorry that he couldn’t help.

Clarisse was grateful that Chris wanted to help her and knew he wished he could do more. “Thanks Chris,” she said softly. “But I don’t know. She hates me and it’s my fault, why would she want to help me?” Her eyes began to fill with tears.

Chris held his arms out and Clarisse sunk into his chest, softly crying into his shirt as he wrapped his arms around her. “Shhh,” he whispered into her hair, “It’s okay,” He promised.

~  
“What? Why do they have to be on our team?” Clarisse exclaimed as Chiron listed out the teams for capture the flag that evening. Chiron had put the Ares and Aphrodite cabins on one team and everyone else on the other.

“Yeah, don’t you think that’s a little bit unfair?” Percy asked, eyeing Jason and Nico on his team. “You have all of the big three kids on one team.”

“Forget that,” Clarisse said, “I can handle you, what I can’t handle is having to work with them.” She vaguely gestured towards the Aphrodite kids.

“Teams are final,” Chiron stated, “the Ares and Aphrodite cabins together have the same amount as the other cabins.” 

This was, of course true, considering it was during the school year when most campers went home. Most of the other cabins were empty or had significantly less kids. The Ares cabin always kept most of their kids during the school year, their parents thought it best they stay here to avoid getting in fights at school. The Aphrodite cabin also kept the majority of their campers during the school year, gods know why though, they were hardly a threat or a target in Clarisse’s opinion. 

“Great,” Clarisse mumbled. Silena didn’t look too pleased at the idea of working with her either. Unfortunately, this didn’t keep her from trying. 

“Clarisse!” Silena called as Clarisse began to walk away. She huffed and turned around to look at the girl behind her. She raised her eyebrows expectantly, asking what Silena wanted. Silena rolled her eyes in response. “I was going to ask if you wanted to come up with a plan for capture the flag, but since you clearly don’t want to talk to me, I guess we’ll just wing it,” Silena started to walk away. Clarisse’s heart dropped, both at the idea of going into capture the flag without a plan and Silena walking away from her. 

“Wait!,” Clarisse called out, “I’m sorry,” she said softly, “My cabin or yours?”

Silena smiled in return, reaching out her hand. “Somewhere else,” she said, “come with me.”

Clarisse hesitantly looked at the other girl’s hand. She looked around looking to see if anyone was looking at them. When she found nobody, Clarisse placed her hand in Silena’s and followed her towards the beach.

They walked until they reached the end of the beach, where no one ever went. Clarisse looked around and saw a blanket already laid out on the sand.

“I come here to be alone and think,” Silena explained. Clarisse nodded but all she could think about was how different they were. Silena went to the beach to be alone while Clarisse went to the woods, Silena’s black hair reached to the small of her back while Clarisse’s dirty blond hair barely reached her shoulders, Silena wasn’t afraid to be herself but Clarisse was terrified. 

Silena sat down on the blanket and patted the spot next to her for Clarisse to join her. She sat down across from her a little too far away. Silena eyed her curiously but just brushed it off. 

“So, what’s the plan? What should we do tonight?” Silena questioned.

They decided on a strategy in the first five minutes but spent another two hours on the beach talking. As the sun started setting they argued, friendly for once, over the best flavor of milk. Silena said strawberry, Clarisse said chocolate. As the moon began to rise they talked about the things they wished they could see if they left camp. Silena said the Eiffel Tower, ‘It’s so romantic,’ she claimed. Clarisse wanted to see Pompii, ‘I don’t know it just seems cool,’ she explained when Silena asked.

Too soon, Silena asked the inevitable question. “Why do you hate me so much?” She asked after they were both quiet for a few minutes. 

“I don’t hate you,” Clarisse said after a moment. No I don’t hate you, she thought, actually the exact opposite.

“Gee, could have fooled me.” Silena said under her breath.

Clarisse took a deep breath before speaking again. “I don’t hate you,” she said again, “I’m jealous of you, of how everyone loves you, of how beautiful you are, of how…” she paused. Of how you can be you and accept yourself, she thought. “I can’t tell you everything now,” She said softly, “but I promise, one day, I will.”

Silena nodded at her. “Hey Clarisse?” she said softly, “You’re beautiful too, and if people saw the real you, if you let them, they’d love you too.” 

They continued talking until the horn was blown, meaning capture the flag would be starting soon. They walked towards the edge of the woods where their team was, walking shoulder to shoulder talking the whole way, not noticing the odd glances they were getting. 

The game ended when Piper ran across the boundary line, carrying the other teams flag. The Ares and Aphrodite cabins cheered while all the other campers stood defeated. 

“We make one hell of a team,” Silena whispered in Clarisse’s ear, causing her to jump. Silena giggled at the sight. 

“We do,” she confirmed. “Maybe we should be on the same team more often.”

“Perhaps.” Silena said with a smile. 

Then, Clarisse hugged her. Silena stood shocked for a moment before returning the gesture. “Thank you,” Clarisse whispered. Silena just hugged her tighter.

The only person to see this exchange was Chris, who was standing off to the side, smiling at the sight of his best friend being happy.

~

Over the next few weeks the girls got closer and closer, much to everyone’s confusion. After dinner, before curfew they would go down to Silena’s spot on the beach to hang out, or in the middle of the day when neither had anything going on they’d go out to Clarisse’s spot in the woods to talk. Tonight, they were sitting on the steps outside the Aphrodite cabin, trying to hide from the harpies since it was after curfew. 

“Silena?” Clarisse asked softly.

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?”

Silena turned to look at the girl sitting beside her. “Of course.”  
“I,” Clarisse started. That’s when the harpies found them, they flew towards the girls, screeching. 

Silena grabbed Clarisse’s hand, “Come on,” she insisted. She pulled them into the Aphrodite cabin and slammed the door behind them, somehow not waking her siblings. She glanced down at their still intertwined hands. “Sorry,” she said, pulling her hand away.

Suddenly Clarisse’s hand felt cold. “It’s okay,” she rushed out. “Guessing I won’t be able to leave anytime soon without being eaten by harpies.” She looked out the window where the harpies were circling the cabin.

“Wanna sleepover?” Silena asked.

“I’ve uh, I’ve never actually had a sleepover,” Clarisse said. “I’ve never even had a girlfriend. I mean,” she said hurriedly, “A friend that was a girl, I’ve never had that. Not that I’ve had a girlfriend either, because I haven’t.” Clarisse was panicked and kept spitting out words, internally slapping herself.

Silena laughed at the blubbering mess that Clarisse was. “Shut up and come here,” she said motioning for Clarisse to follow her to what she assumed was Silena’s bed. Clarisse took a deep breath and followed her. 

They came to the last bed in the room, also the only unoccupied one, that must have belonged to Silena. She had a twin sized bed with light pink sheets with a purple blanket covering most of the pink. On the wall behind her bed were dozens of photos. Some people Clarisse recognized from camp, some of a woman who Clarisse assumed was Silena’s mom, the mortal one, and a little girl that looked like a young Silena, and some of places around the world. Clarisse noticed quite a few of the Eiffel Tower, and two of Pompeii, which she could help but think were because of her. The thing that really caught Clarisse’s attention was the end table next to the bed. On the table was a lamp and a single picture frame, inside the picture frame was the picture Silena insisted they take about a week ago at the beach. She smiled at the sight of their picture and turned to Silena. 

“I love this,” she said softly, still looking around.

“I'm glad,” Silena whispered back. “Come on now, let’s go to bed.” She crawled under the blankets and patted the space next to her. “I don’t bite, I promise.”

Clarisse slowly made her way to the side of the bed and laid next to Silena in her bed that was definitely not made for two. They laid so close, their noses were inches away from the other. 

“Thank you,” Clarisse whispered. 

“For what?” Silena asked.

“Just thank you,” she whispered. “Goodnight Silena.”

“Goodnight Clarisse.“

They both fell asleep listening to the sounds of the other breathing.

The next morning Clarisse woke up before anyone else in the cabin. She moved to get up before realizing Silena’s arms were wrapped around her. She started panicking. What if someone sees them, what if they find out about her. Behind her Silena started waking up, probably because of Clarisse moving.

“Clarisse?” Silena mumbled half awake.

Clarisse panicked once again and untangled herself from the girl. “I have to go,” She said hurriedly, getting out of the bed and leaving the cabin. 

Silena sat up in her bed and stared at the door, wondering what she did wrong.

~

Over the next week, things go back to normal. Clarisse only hung out with Chris, Silena hung out with all her other friends. Whenever Clarisse saw Silena, she ran before the other could even try to talk to her. Clarisse cried to Chris most nights while she assumed Silena was grateful for her absence. 

Chris and Clarisse were once again sitting on the rocks in the forest talking their hearts out. 

“She must hate me.” 

“Why would she hate you Claire?”

“I ran out on her,” Clarisse said sadly.

“Then why not just go apologize?” Chris questioned. 

“I also ended up in her arms that night,” She supplied. 

“And she put her arms around you too,” He rebutled. “Claire, I promise she doesn’t hate you. I heard Piper saying she was upset and didn’t know what she did wrong. Please just talk to her.” Chris begged. 

“I miss her,” Clarisse confessed, “But I’m scared. What if people find out, what if she told people about our sleepover, how I woke up in her arms.” 

Chris rubbed his friend’s back soothingly. “She probably doesn’t even remember, you bolted out of there before she was even conscious. Besides, friends have sleepovers all the time.”

“Fine,” Clarisse huffed, “I’ll talk to her.”

“That’s my girl,” Chris said, earning him a growl. He just laughed in response and continued to rub her back.

~

Clarisse spent the whole next day looking for Silena. Before breakfast she stopped by the Aphrodite cabin but Piper said she had left before anyone else was even awake. During breakfast she scanned the Aphrodite table but didn’t see the familiar sight of the girl with the long black hair. Every once and a while during the day she checked in with Silena’s siblings but no one had seen her or knew where she was. When she saw her seat still empty during lunch, Clarisse walked down the beach to Silena’s spot. She reached the blanket at the edge of the beach and it looked as if no one had been there in a couple days. It was covered in sand, starting to blow away in the wind. Clarisse lifted the blanket up, shaking off the sand, then placing it back down. She sat there for a couple hours, thinking about Silena, all the conversations they’ve had there. 

Eventually, she began to walk back to camp, head full of thoughts about her and Silena. Clarisse double checked with Silena’s siblings one more time, only to get the same news, no one had seen her. She walked around camp mindlessly until the bell for dinner was rung. As she sat down at her table she saw that Silena’s seat was once again empty. Clarisse stood up from her table and grabbed two plates of food, and made her way to one last place Silena could be.

As she approached the rocks, she saw the outline of a girl sitting atop them, against the sunsetting. She smiled up at the girl who had yet to see her as she stared off into the distance. 

“Been here all day?” Clarisse called up, causing Silena to jump a little.

“Clarisse,” Silena said, voice full of hope. “I came out here to think, maybe hoping you’d find me I guess.”

“I found you,” Clarisse said softly. She raised up her hand that was holding Silena’s plate. “I figured you’d be hungry, since you skipped every single meal today.” Silena reached down and grabbed both plates from Clarisse’s hands so she could climb up the rock. When she was sitting next to her, Silena offered Clarisse her plate, which she just placed by her side. “I’ve been looking for you all day, I wanted to talk to you.”

Silena’s head fell. “I’m sorry,” She whispered. “I just needed to get away, I couldn’t take you avoiding me anymore. I had to think, to figure out what I did wrong.” She added quietly. 

Clarisse slowly reached for her friend's hand, deciding to take it before she changed her mind. “You didn’t do anything,” she promised, “I just, I freaked. I woke up with your arms around me and I was worried everyone would find out my... secret.” She whispered the last word. 

“What are you talking about?” Silena questioned.

“One of the reasons I was so jealous of you,” Clarisse started, “was because of how easily you are yourself, you don’t care what anyone else thinks.” Silena kept listening. “I can’t do that,” Clarisse explained sadly.

“Sure you can, you are the bravest person I know. You can do anything you want.”

Clarisse just shook her head. “Not anything,” she said quietly, “Not this. I barely got it out the first time and that was two years ago, and nothing has changed since then. I’m just the same coward,” She whispered to herself. 

“Hey,” Silena said, squeezing Clarisse’s hand. “You are not a coward, and whatever it is it’ll be fine, okay?” She whispered back.

Clarisse nodded slowly. “I,” She started again, slowly, “I’m gay,’ she spit out like the word burned her mouth. “I like girls, only girls.” After she said it, Clarisse felt as if a weight was lifted off her shoulders. Then she felt a real weight on her shoulders. Silena wrapped her arms around her, hugging her tight. Clarisse rested her head on her shoulders, and before she even realized, she was sobbing into Silena’s shirt.

“Clarisse,” Silena said in her ear, “I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. “I know how hard it is, I know how impossible it feels that anyone would accept you or love you. But I do. I accept you, and I love you, no matter what, no matter who you love, no matter how much you hate me, I will always love and accept you.”

“I could never hate you,” Clarisse whispered back, still crying. 

They spent the rest of the night sitting on the rocks, talking through tears, hands still intertwined. 

~ 

To make up for lost time, the two girls were inseparable. Silena would train with the Ares cabin, Clarisse sat with the Aphrodite kids during the campfires, and they took turns having sleepovers in each other’s cabins most nights. Tonight, they were on top of the Aphrodite cabin, watching the stars, laying a bit too close for two friends. Silena kept pointing out constellations in the sky, her voice filled with excitement as she explained each one. Clarisse smiled sadly as her eyes landed on the constellation that used to be Zoe Nightshade. They had only met briefly before she left for her quest but Clarisse thought they could have been friends. Silena seemed to notice her friend’s sadness and rolled to face her. 

“What’s wrong?” Silena asked softly.

Clarisse shook her head and pointed up towards the constellation she had been looking at. “It’s Zoe,” she explained softly. “ You know,” Clarisse started, “When the hunters got back after she died, they were talking about her.” she paused, “She was in love with Thalia,” Clarisse whispered. “Apparently they met when Thalia, Luke and Annabeth were making their way to camp, something happened between them and Zoe fell for her, but Thalia left. She spent years in love with a girl who for all Zoe knew was dead. Then when they met again in Maine, Thalia hated her. She cried to the hunters, telling them about her feelings even though she knew she wasn’t allowed to date. Can you imagine being in love with someone for years knowing you could never do anything about it and that they hated you?” she sighed sadly, still thinking about Zoe, that was the reason she thought they could have been friends, they felt the same way. 

“I think I know the feeling,” Silena said softly, low enough that Clarisse didn’t hear her. Silena rolled over farther, until she was laying on Clarisse’s chest. “Hey, Clarisse?” 

“Mhm?” she hummed in response, running her hands through Silena’s hair.

“How did you know,” she asked, “That you were gay, I mean.”

Clarisse froze at the question, panic running through her head. Did Silena know about her crush? Is that why she was asking? She stayed quiet for another minute before answering, her voice shaking. “I had a crush on this girl,” she slowly let out. Silena looked up at her, her eyes scanning Clarisse’s face.

“Who?” she asked, “Do I know her?”

All too well, Clarisse thought. She took a deep breath before continuing. She could lie, say it was some camper that’s long gone, but she didn’t want to. Clarisse had spent too long running from her secrets, now it was time to face them. “It was you,” she said quietly, making sure to say ‘was’ to protect their friendship. Silena’s eyes lit up as she smiled brightly at Clarisse.

“I was hoping you would say that,” she said, still grinning, “cause you were my first crush too, that’s why you hating me hurt so badly.” She added sadly. 

Clarisse felt a pang of guilt, she hated making Silena sad. “I’m sorry,” Clarisse said sadly, resuming running her fingers through her hair. 

“It’s okay, besides, it’s better now that you don’t.”

“Wait,” Clarisse said, processing the other girl’s words. “You mean you still-” She cut herself off, not wanting to finish her sentence in case she was wrong.

“Still like you? Yup, for two long years, I hated it. But now,” she reached for Clarisse’s free hand, grabbing it in her’s, “It’s not too bad.” Silena smiled at Clarisse’s face of confusion.

“You actually like me back,” Clarisse whispered, more to herself than to Silena.

Silena’s eyes widened and her face lit up again. “Back?” She asked grinning. 

“I never stopped liking you,” Clarisse said softly.

“Good,” Silena said, “because I could never stop liking you.” She pressed her lips against Clarisse’s hand, still in hers. 

They sat in silence while Clarisse’s head was anything but silent. Silena actually liked her back, she was laying in her arms right now, she kissed her hand. Clarisse had never been happier, all the angry, awful thoughts that normal swarmed her head faded to background noise, barely audible. 

Clarisse lifted her head to whisper into Silena’s ear, “Hey Silena, will you be my girlfriend?” She asked softly. 

Silena turned to meet her eyes, and pressed a quick kiss to Clarisse’s lips, leaving her shocked. “Of course,” she said, “I’ve only been waiting two years.” 

Clarisse snapped out of her daze and smiled at Silena, her girlfriend, she loved how that sounded. Silena dropped her head back onto Clarisse’s chest. 

“Goodnight, Clarie.” She whispered, closing her eyes, and drifting to sleep.

“Goodnight love,” she whispered back, kissing her girlfriend’s forehead, falling asleep too, not worried about anyone seeing them.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it! follow me on twt @ sunnysoiace


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